Alone In The Cold
by Jay Luedeking
Summary: Shinji becomes lost in a nightmare about his past, and lives through a moment of memories. **Good to know all Eps's as well as EoE** And by all means R & R.


**Title**:
Alone in the Cold

**Written By**:
Jay Luedeking

**Date**:
10/04/01

**Comments**: 
Ok people here is the normal dirt.  
I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, All characters are copyright  
GAINAX and have been used without permission. Happy? ^^;; And  
now lets get to the fic = p  

  
**_Shinji......... Alone in the Cold._**  
  
He awakens, the air softly caressing across his bare limbs, the thick blanket of moist sweat dripping from his chin, the gentle sounds of violins playing in the distance. The tape stops, the world grows silent, his eyes flicker as he remembers, the past... the present... His silver gray eyes close for a moment to shut off that of his memories, that of his life. Yet his attempt to scorn it all away, draws him deeper, into that place, that no man should meet.  
_- A Nightmare.. -_  
  
"Shinji!" A voice… calling, taunting me, teasing, spiteful... "Baka!" Cold, shivering sound, piercing the day from its night, that feeling, hate, alone...   
  
"Sorry newcomer, I just had to get you for my little sister" Revenge, why, I try to help, I try.... Try to be... Good, yet all I get in return.......,   
  
  
_Where is this place…?_  
  
  
A cold finger taps my back, that of the demons that float amongst the red blooded dark clouds "Good Work.... Shinji" ...Father.... For my entire life I had pressed my wishes of death upon you, now I feel.... As if... I feel alone, as you.... You created me in the eyes of life, and you left me in the depths of emptiness...   
  
  
_This place.... I don't understand it.. I feel as if I have melted into my own soul.... As if all existence... gone. _  
  
  
Why father! If you could not bring the heart to raise me.. why have the heart to allow me. I know why... I am a plaything..... I Pilot your minions, the dark horses that are used to destroy... I have no meaning to anyone, simply the image of me.. Maybe we are not ment to be here.... The race of human, so cold... not understanding, yet....   
  
  
_Why is this place so cold...? I feel so numb, yet warm at the same.... _  
  
  
"The Pilot of.... Of Unit three is....., Shinji, the pilot..... its........it...." A scream, in the void, of shadows.  
Standing tall and proud, even when his own friend... almost.....   
  
  
_This place seems familiar, its cold, and I feel so lost..... I'm alone here, I'm.... I'm alone. Its so..., I feel like I am going to pass, my fingers, I cant feel...... I cant feel them. Yet, its so warm here, like a womb... _  
  
  
"Its Digging into my mind!!" Asuka.... On that day, I have never felt such a colder knife stab as deep into my heart....  
  
"...The pilot is..." Touji... Because of me....   
  
"Operate the Dummy Plug System...." No... because of Father.... You.... I...   
  
  
_I feel as if im losing myself here, the walls around me are so cold, I wonder.... How long... how... how long..... I.... I will... be here...... _  
  
  
"Shinji!!!!" Misato.... A scream.... I heard her before... before I lost myself in this, I, I remember.... No..... That was...... That was Asuka.... She was screaming for me..?   
  
No... she wouldn't... Her own hate blinds that of our lives.... That thick wall around her.... It wouldn't let her.... Let.. Her care for......m.......  
  
I could never tell her, how I felt... she would only laugh it off, and that cold grip of her ego, would crumble me... Maybe that is what is meant to be of me, fallen by those who I love... I open myself, and then I fall to the floor.....   
  
  
_Blood, the LCL, its...... its turning.... Cold........ and........ its red..... with blood._  
  
  
Maybe this is all a piece of my mind, maybe this whole life I live, is a dream.... I don't remember when I was ever this weak, when I was ever this alone, this empty. Yet, those who I open to, draw me to this.....   
  
"Good work...." ....I hate you.... "....Shinji" father.... Yet, I can not hate you, you are who you are..... Because of your past.... Mother had always changed that in you... before she was gone..... you two.... You were...... happy...  
  
And the painful life you led, didn't mean anything anymore, you had..... you..... you two had happiness.   
  
But.. hate returned to you, and you drove her to that father....... Your blind hatred... you..... shes......   
  
  
_Its almost time, I can feel my body slipping, is so cold in here.... _  
  
  
Asuka.... My final parting memory..... How much I had wished..... that we...... its...... so cold....... Asuka...... I don't...... want to be alone....... Anymore.... I don't want.... .... To be................... Alone........... open.... Open up to.....me...... I.....   
  
  
_Im..... slipping............ The cold, I feel as though I am about to freeze, I feel as if, the world, is closing in, and soon.... _  
  
  
Touji, where did you go, just when, when I thought I.. had a friend that was here for me..... I lost you....   
  
  
_I think, this is my end.... _  
  
  
These are my finally words, ones that I had wanted to speak, but couldn't find the strength to say them.... But now, now that, I.... I have nothing left.... To gain..... or lose..... I...  
  
  
_I'm almost gone, this is it..._  
  
  
.... I forgive you...... father..... Your life had been painful, and it made you grow hateful, yet your love for mother broke that.... But through time, it returned.... Why? I may never know..... But..... you could... you could have gotten rid of it once and for all..... and you... and mother....... Happ.........  
  
I.... Forgive you..... Touji...... I should have been in your place, I should have taken the hit.... At least you have worth in peoples eyes..... and you have....care...... yet.... Because of me..... we have all gotten this far..... no, I run away, I run from problems... and don't face them....... But you Touji.. you never run... you have......you.....   
  
I forgive you Misato, for giving up for my last time.... For choosing not to fight this cold, and allowing it to drown me in its icy depths... im sorry I couldn't hold on..... im sorry you had to....  
  
I............................. I..........love....... you asuka...... I wish I could say those words to you, so many times those words moved through my head.... But, because of my fears, of.... of you asuka..... I couldn't.... bring myself....... To say them.... I remember....... I remember us...... when we had... to dance together..... at the same beat..... to defeat the angel....... I....... I remember..... how you almost died..... and no matter how scared I was of your shell, I couldn't hold back... my heart. I saved you.... Because of me, you lived..... because..... you are my partner..... no..... you are my friend..... no.... my heart. And when I risked my life, by diving my arm into that magma to save you..... I saw....... I saw you on the inside..... I saw..... the true you..... past all that which you show to everyone..... I love you...... and its because of that truth..... that I held on..... but.... That side faded away..... lost itself deep in that shell once more....... And now................. I may never...........be able...... to tell....... You................. how I ........ feel.. asuka.   
  
Now, that I have said my last.... I take my final breath.... I wish we could have all been happy, but..... our lives tear us away..... and tear us apart...... for the last time...... Good bye......  
_- Death -_  
  
  
_Silence.... That void..... that feeling, its unclear..... its...... empty._  
  
  
He awakens again, that nightmare, once again passing through his head, and ending, with the end. He stands, he seemed so different... eyes, those silver gray eyes, looking over the sandy hill, at a young woman, walking away into the horizon... She, Asuka.... choosing to walk from him, even if he was the last man alive......   
  
Because of the pain in the past, they blocked out happiness, instead of embracing it..... That shell, returning just as strong, and leaving happiness in ashes, and dust.... just as their own family, had once done...  
  
  
_Alone. Forever..._   
End...  
  



End file.
